Look at Jin's title.

Does it match the content? (Not exactly) 
Could it be better? (yes) If so, suggest a new title.

Look at Jin's introduction.

Is the first sentence generally about Jin's topic?

Should it be made more specific? Rewrite if necessary. Look at the rhythm of the first three sentences. What improvements could be made?

Does the thesis give a clear direction to the essay? 

Does the essay follow this plan? 

Look at the body paragraphs.

Note the sizes of the three body paragraphs. What do you notice?

What suggestion would you make about these paragraphs in general? Are the three paragraphs in a good order?

Are the topic sentences effective and easy to follow?

Does each paragraph have a good concluding sentence? No, not exactly. See example below.

Look at the conclusion.

Has Jin restated her thesis as the first sentence? YES Does the concluding paragraph remind us about her content without repeating it exactly? YES

Rewritten introduction and conclusion. (by afternoon class)

     An essay writer is supposed to write clearly and efficiently so that readers would like to read and understand what he or she wants to say. To get this kind of result, the writer has to have enough vocabulary, essential information, and frequent practice. (Thesis; essay topic sentence)

     Enough vocabulary, essential information, and frequent practice are necessary to improve an essay. Vocabulary is the foundation; essential information is the support; frequent practice is the guarantee, and they all link together. Doing this well will produce the best results; clear, efficient writing is beautiful.

About Essay 
by Jin

    An essay is a piece of essay on a certain topic. Writing an essay is a kind of processing of thinking. There are the main idea and supporting information. An essay writer is supposed to write it clearly and efficiently so that readers would like to read and understand what he or she wants to say. To get this kind of result, the writer has to have enough vocabulary, essential information, and often practice. 

     Enough vocabulary is the basic foundation of writing a good essay. In music, when a note or type of rhythm are always repeated, that would make audiences sleepy. So does an essay. If the writer repeats one specific word more than three times, that essay would bore readers. A wide vocabulary writer can make sentences more efficient. Not only the vocabulary but also the essential information is important to an essay writer. 

     Some information is essential for a writer to support his or her essay topic. If the writer has never had any touch with the topic, how come he or she could show us a nice essay. Let's assume the writer, who has no idea about credit cards, is given a topic about the advantages and disadvantages of credit cards, probably he or she is a complete "person outside the door", and has nothing to write. More reading can help a writer to collect more general knowledge. Nurturing a good reading habit will improve your writing, and vocabulary as well. In addition, writing every day is another aspect to be a good essay writer. 

     It's the most necessary for a essay writer to practice often. It is said that practice makes perfect. The more practice you do, the better the essay you get. If a writer has never exercised any writing, how can he or she finish an essay? That's why all the boss only hire the experienced workers, of course because the employees have practiced a lot. So we say a good essay is only deeply in love with a practiced writer. Often practice can made writers more familiar and comfortable with writing. Meanwhile it can also build the writer's vocabulary and another benefit the writers could gain is the creative inspiration. Therefore practice is a good way, which kills two birds with one stone, to improve an essay writing. 

     Enough vocabulary, essential information, and often practice are the basic, essential, and necessary aspects to improve an essay writing. The enough vocabulary is the foundation; the essential information is the supporting; the often practice is the guarantee, and they all link together. If a writer has done these well, he or she would write a really nice essay, and readers can agree with what a good essay writer shows. A clear, efficient writing is a beautiful essay.