In this week's class, students worked together in a writing exercise called,
on Cheating: A Group Revision Workshop.
What follows are a series of student examples with teacher comments in
Student Example (revision):
1-Cheating have very bad follows, once for the people for the people
that do something like that, and to the other hand for us.
2-Cheating has very bad results, so we must do something to stop the
increase of cheating at the schools or colleges.
The first version included more detail on the results of cheating.
The other version directs us more to act on the cheating itself. This is
a good example of looking again at what you are actually saying and
revising for that reason. (teacher comment)
Student Example (anecdote):
I remember twenty-four years ago one of our friends took an English
exam instead of someone else. A teacher caught him and both of them
failed. He wanted to help his friend, but it was very risky for both of
This is called impersonation, a form of cheating we didn't
discuss. The anecdote acts as a "hook" to catch the reader's
interest; the better the story, the better it works. (teacher comment)
Student Example (metaphor):
It is just like a mouse is biting the roots of a tree; it breaks the
rules of the school, and also the values of society. We can't wait until
the tree has collapsed.
This seems interesting and is simple to understand. This uses
"metaphor," specifically simile (using "like" to
make the comparison). Using these kinds of comparisons is very powerful,
mainly because they are usually visual and show us what you mean.
Student Example (diction):
Cheating has polluted our school environment.
The student likes the specific word "polluted" because
it fits well to the writer's meaning. Such a serious word suits the
seriousness of the problem. This is a comment on "diction."
Student Example (sarcasm):
Cheating may range from asking direct answers from parents to
"exquisitely" plagiarizing from the 'Net.
The quotation marks on 'exquisitely' are used by the writer to
indicate he really means its opposite. This is sarcasm, which is words
to mean the opposite. For example, your friend is angry with you and
says, "Thanks very much!" Temperatures range from 10 to 20
degrees Celsius. (teacher comment)
Student Example (anecdote):
One day my aunt came to complain that her fourteen-year-old boy had
been caught for copying homework from his schoolmate. I was shaken to
know the story. We had heard about copyright for published books; now,
an awareness comes out of how students would get into cheating.
Use of the short sentence is effective for two reasons: it gets
attention and it reflects the meaning of "shock" well. The
second sentence needed to have a semicolon, as it is really two complete
sentences that are related. (teacher comment)
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