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  Weekly Feature (July 18, 2010)
 

 

 
Jennifer's Weekly Feature
Example Essay: The Wonders of Ice Cream

 

 

Good writing is revised and revised and revised again. Everyone who writes does this. This week I offer a revised version of an earlier student example essay.

Hopefully, this essay is now clearer and easier to follow than originally. Iíve bolded the steps in order, and as well made the topic and concluding sentences clearer. Also, Iíve listed what each type of sentence is and does. I invite your comments as to what might work even better. I am in the Lab Tuesday and Thursday afternoons in the coming September Ė June/11 (as of this date).

Generally, the work of doing the essay hasnít changed. I have detailed this in my weeklies The Essay Parts One, Two and Three, if youíd like more information. Essentially, choose a topic and brainstorm (if you learn best by reading) or concept map (if you learn better by pictures) for ideas. Following the academic essay format, write your three body paragraphs first, and then do your Introduction and Conclusion paragraphs. (more at ďMirror Image,Ē writing the Introduction and Conclusion) Good luck! The revised student example essay follows.

Example Student Essay

The Wonders of Ice Cream
(main words capitalized)
A Standard 5-Paragraph Academic Essay

Dessert is the most wonderful part of a meal. (most general sentence) I have never met anyone, from any part of the world, who did not like dessert best. (Use of ďIĒ= more specific sentence) The best dessert is ice cream because it tastes delicious, is liked by almost everyone, and it can link us to happy childhood memories. (thesis statement with 3 points named)

First, ice cream tastes better than any other food. (1st thesis point in general topic sentence) What food can rival its creamy smoothness, or the delicious feeling of this soft, cold dessert as it slips down your throat? (specific descriptive sent., support) I donít know of any other food that feels as good and clean in your mouth or of any food that comes in so many mouth-watering flavours. (specific description) At La Casa Gelato, for example, you can choose from over 218 flavours! (see June 20/10 Tazimís Weekly) (specific example) In fact, today you can even get ice cream with protein in it, as the soy ice creams have. (specific information sentence) Ice cream is really good. (concluding sentence) Who knows? (question to reader) Ice cream may soon be a complete meal on its own! (Link to Body Paragraph 2)

Second, while it might not yet be a complete meal on its own, it can be served after almost every meal for everyone likes it. (2nd thesis point in topic sentence) It can be a common thread between strangers. (declarative, information, support) Whether you have important out-of-town guests, or are just entertaining family and friends, ice cream is the perfect after-meal treat. (information) Vanilla ice cream is at home at any important dinner. (information) Family and friends, on the other hand, are sure to like Neapolitan, a happy mix of chocolate, vanilla and strawberry. (description) Even fussy, hard-to-please (hyphenated adjective) are sure to be tempted by this universal dessert! (information) Ice cream is certain to please everyone, (concluding clause) and it can link us to happy childhood memories. (link to Body 3)

Third, many of us have happy childhood memories linked to ice cream. (3rd main thesis point in topic sentence) In my family, it was used as a reward when my sisters and I were especially good, and it was the best part of the birthday meal. (declarative, information, support) It was even used as a comfort when some small thing had gone wrong. (information) One day, for example, I thought I would just check to see if that dull, grey stove ring was as hot as my parents had always warned me it was. (example begins) It didnít look hot. I reached up and touched it. Ouch! Needless to say, they were right. It was burning hot! To make me feel better, out came the ice cream. (example ends) For good things and bad, ice cream was, and still is, the best choice. (concluding sentence)

Ice cream is a wonderfully tasty dessert food that has universal appeal and takes us back to happy times. (restated thesis) It is the perfect ready-made dessert and is available in so many good flavours. (information, more general) Ice cream is delicious. (information, most general) Iím hungry! Are you? (2-sentence hook to engage the reader)

 

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