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The following is a revised paragraph done for By Way of Introduction, an assignment on an activity we do well. In the teacher's case, it's making jam! The original, which follows the revised version, was 204 words; the revision worked to reduce the length to that assigned: 150 words. See if you can spot some of the changes I've made.

In a Real Jam

     I make delicious homemade jam and follow three rules to ensure success. The best fruit makes the best jam. Near my house is a small patch of blackberry bushes; to get at the best fruit, I use a tall ladder. That way, I get the ripest and sweetest berries that are far out of reach of other pickers. Once picked, I take the fruit home immediately. I use a low-sugar pectin to make a not-too-sweet jam  that retains the taste of the berries. My years of experience have taught me to process the fruit only just long enough; otherwise, heat destroys the fresh flavour. Each batch of jam teaches me more about the best process. All in all, following my three rules makes it possible for my family to taste summer on a rainy winter day, while savouring the rich smell of dark red blackberry jam on their morning toast. (150 words; second draft)

 

     One activity I do very well is make delicious homemade jam; this is the result of three things I do to ensure successful results. Choosing the best fruit is very important if I want to make a good batch of jam. Near my house, for example, is a small patch of high blackberry bushes. In order to get at the best fruit, I take a tall ladder with me. That way, I can get the ripest and sweetest berries that are far out of reach of other pickers. Then, I take the fruit home immediately and use a low sugar pectin to make the jam. Using a low sugar recipe ensures a not-too-sweet result that retains the original taste of the berries. One thing I have learned is to not process the fruit for too long as too much heat destroys the flavour. This leads me to my last point: I have many years of experience in the kitchen. Each batch of jam has taught me more about the best procedures for success. Taken together, these are the reasons that I can taste summer on a rainy winter day, while savouring the rich smell of a dark red blackberry jam on my morning toast. (204 words; first draft)

 

 

 

 

 

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