The following
is a revised paragraph done for
By Way of Introduction, an assignment on an
activity we do well. In the teacher's case, it's making jam!
The original, which follows the revised
version, was 204 words; the revision worked to reduce the
length to that assigned: 150 words. See if you can spot some
of the changes I've made.
I make
delicious homemade jam and follow three rules to ensure
success. The best fruit makes the best jam. Near my house is a
small patch of blackberry bushes; to get at the best fruit, I
use a tall ladder. That way, I get the ripest and sweetest
berries that are far out of reach of other pickers. Once
picked, I take the fruit home immediately. I use a low-sugar
pectin to make a not-too-sweet jam that retains the taste of
the berries. My years of experience have taught me to process
the fruit only just long enough; otherwise, heat destroys the
fresh flavour. Each batch of jam teaches me more about the
best process. All in all, following my three rules makes it
possible for my family to taste summer on a rainy winter day,
while savouring the rich smell of dark red blackberry jam on
their morning toast. (150 words; second draft)
One activity I do very well is make
delicious homemade jam; this is the result of three things I
do to ensure successful results. Choosing the best fruit is
very important if I want to make a good batch of jam. Near my
house, for example, is a small patch of high blackberry
bushes. In order to get at the best fruit, I take a tall
ladder with me. That way, I can get the ripest and sweetest
berries that are far out of reach of other pickers. Then, I
take the fruit home immediately and use a low sugar pectin to
make the jam. Using a low sugar recipe ensures a not-too-sweet
result that retains the original taste of the berries. One
thing I have learned is to not process the fruit for too long
as too much heat destroys the flavour. This leads me to my
last point: I have many years of experience in the kitchen.
Each batch of jam has taught me more about the best procedures
for success. Taken together, these are the reasons that I can
taste summer on a rainy winter day, while savouring the rich
smell of a dark red blackberry jam on my morning toast.
(204 words; first draft)
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