Pearson Adult Learning Centre

Brad's Teacher Writing October 16, 2000

Other Teacher Writing:

 

Remembering Pierre

Introductory Paragraph

    At the end of Justin Trudeau's eulogy, everyone in the church stood and applauded. Not your typical church behaviour. Clearly, Pierre Trudeau's life had affected people deeply. Through my own tears, I began to examine just how this man's life had affected my own. I found it had in three important ways.

Original Body Paragraph 1:

    Pierre Trudeau's leadership affected me deeply throughout his time as Prime Minister. As a teenager I was most amazed by his youthful energy compared to any other politician I had ever seen. All the girls screamed at the May Day parade in 1968; at the same time, it was hard to believe he was 49 years old. In my twenties, his idealism matched my own. He thought the nuclear arms race was insane. So did I. Trudeau tried to persuade world leaders of this unsuccessfully. Later, of course, we found he had been right all along. Most important was the patriation of the Canadian Constitution and Charter of Rights in 1982. He never gave up on this idea until the job was done. This document has changed everything about being a Canadian and made me proud to be one. (139 words; 11 sentences)

Revised Body Paragraph 1:

     Pierre Trudeau's leadership affected me deeply throughout his time as Prime Minister. As a teenager I was amazed by his youthful energy compared to other politicians. I witnessed many women screaming his name during his campaign to be party leader; clearly he was something new, different, and interesting to a teenage boy. When I was in my twenties, his idealism matched my own. He thought the nuclear arms race was insane and tried to persuade world leaders to give up their weapons. Later, of course, many nations have embraced his early example. Most importantly, Trudeau patriated the Canadian Constitution and Charter of Rights in 1982, although many pundits deemed it impossible. He has made me proud to be a Canadian and has had a profound effect on me through much of my life. I will remember him fondly. (138 words; 9 sentences)

Teacher's Comments on Revision:

The final version is the same length, but includes all parts of proper structure: topic sentence, concluding sentence (in two parts for this paragraph), and concrete examples. It does this with fewer, better composed sentences as well.

Original Body Paragraph 2:

     It wasn't only Trudeau's leadership that affected me, but also his deep devotion to his sons. I became a father the year after he left office and Trudeau's example, along with many others, showed me something important about that job I was beginning. He spent time with them and was, unlike many of the reports, a loving and gentle and wonderful father. From this, I feel vindicated, because I did the same as he. I spent a great deal of time with my son and daughter as well, and although I was a much younger man, it is clear from the results that it was worthwhile. I can still speak and have conversation with my son, even at the age of fifteen. (122 words; 6 sentences)

Revised Body Paragraph 2:

     It wasn't only Trudeau's leadership that affected me, but also his deep devotion to his sons. I became a father the year after he left office. Trudeau's example showed me something important about being a good one. He spent time with his sons and, in contrast to popular thinking, was a loving and gentle and wonderful man. I feel vindicated by his example because I did the same as he: I spent a great deal of time with my son and daughter; it is clear from the results that those many hours were worthwhile. I can still have a good conversation with my son, though he's now fifteen. Trudeau's love for his son, Justin, was revealed through a moving eulogy, written and delivered beautifully; Pierre Trudeau's affection for his sons mirrors my own. (133 words; 6 sentences)

Teacher's Comments on Revision:

This paragraph needed "tidying" and a better ending. I added a reference to Justin Trudeau's eulogy into this paragraph as well, giving voice to my own sentiments.

Original Body Paragraph 3:

     What impressed always about Trudeau was his love of the Canadian wilderness and his many visits there. It is hard to forget the image of Pierre Trudeau canoeing solo in a cedar strip canoe while wearing a native style buckskin fringed jacket. What's more, as a canoeist myself, I could easily see that his technique was fabulous. Having been in the mountains and on the rivers of Canada, I know that he had to have been influenced by what he had seen and heard and experienced. One of our writer's, Margaret Atwood, has argued that to live in Canada is a matter of survival in an unfriendly wilderness. Even recently, he was still planning to climb mountains with his friends. I am inspired by that and when it seems to be too much trouble to organize a trip I hope I will remember Pierre in his canoe at seventy. (149 words; 7 sentences)

Revised Body Paragraph 3:

     What impressed me most about Trudeau was his love of the Canadian wilderness and his many voyages there. It is hard to forget the image of Pierre Trudeau canoeing solo in his cedar-strip canoe, wearing a buckskin fringed jacket. What's more, as a canoeist myself, I could see that he had fabulous technique. Days spent in the Canadian wilderness have forever coloured my thinking. One of Canada's best known writers, Margaret Atwood, argues that the unfriendly wilderness in Canada affects how Canadians see themselves. Pierre Trudeau knew how to travel in the bush, where mistakes could be fatal, where the stars are bright enough to light your way at night. I am inspired by him, and will remember him always, especially when it seems too much trouble to go again to the mountains, the rivers or the sea. (137 words; 7 sentences)

Teacher's Comments on Revision:

Lots of cutting and tweaking in this paragraph. 12 fewer words than the first draft, though a bit longer for emphasis after Body Paragraph 2.

Concluding Paragraph:

     In these three ways Pierre Trudeau has influenced me for a large part of my life. As a leader of this country he changed my life throughout the time he was Prime Minister. His relationship with his sons is an inspiring example for any father to follow. And, most personally, his love of the Canadian wilderness matched my own. I will miss him deeply.

 

First Draft:

Remembering Pierre

     At the end of Justin Trudeauís eulogy, everyone in the church stood and applauded. Not your typical church behaviour. Clearly, Pierre Trudeauís life had affected people deeply. Through my own tears I began to examine just how this manís life had affected my own. I found it had in three important ways.

     Pierre Trudeauís leadership affected me deeply throughout his time as Prime Minister. As a teenager I was most amazed by his youthful energy compared to any other politician I had ever seen. All the girls screamed at the May Day parade in 1968; at the same time, it was hard to believe he was 49 years old. In my twenties, his idealism matched my own. He thought the nuclear arms race was insane. So did I. Trudeau tried to persuade world leaders of this unsuccessfully. Later, of course, we found he had been right all along. Most important was the patriation of the Canadian Constitution and Charter of Rights in 1982. He never gave up on this idea until the job was done. This document has changed everything about being a Canadian and made me proud to be one. [concluding sentence needed; perhaps too long]

     It wasnít only Trudeauís leadership that affected me, but also his deep devotion to his sons. I became a father the year after he left office and Trudeauís example, along with many others, showed me something important about that job I was beginning. He spent time with them and was, unlike many of the reports, a loving and gentle and wonderful father. From this, I feel vindicated, because I did the same as he. I spent a great deal of time with my son and daughter as well, and although I was a much younger man, it is clear from the results that it was worthwhile. I can still speak and have conversation with my son, even at the age of fifteen.

     What impressed always about Trudeau was his love of the Canadian wilderness and his many visits there. It is hard to forget the image of Pierre Trudeau canoeing solo in a cedar strip canoe while wearing a native style buckskin fringed jacket. Whatís more, as a canoeist myself, I could easily see that his technique was fabulous. Having been in the mountains and on the rivers of Canada, I know that he had to have been influenced by what he had seen and heard and experienced. One of our writerís, Margaret Atwood, has argued that to live in Canada is a matter of survival in an unfriendly wilderness. Even recently, he was still planning to climb mountains with his friends. I am inspired by that and when it seems to be too much trouble to organize a trip I hope I will remember Pierre in his canoe at seventy.

     In these three ways Pierre Trudeau has influenced me for a large part of my life. As a leader of this country he changed my life throughout the time he was Prime Minister. His relationship with his sons is an inspiring example for any father to follow. And, most personally, his love of the Canadian wilderness matched my own. I will miss him deeply.

 

First draft writing written on October 5, 2000. Brad Hyde

 

 

 

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